Today I must admit to being anxious. In the six days since I learned I have a cancerous tumor growing in my left breast, I have given myself just five minutes to cry and grieve over what might come of this. Behind a closed door, I questioned and wept, but then I walked out onto the path laid out before me. Conversations with doctors, with family, with dear friends fed the peace I pursued so doggedly, just as the estrogen is feeding my 1 centimeter tumor. And I’ve walked in that peace, saying what I believe: that God knows, that He’s known from the womb, and that He cares, and that He wastes nothing.
Good will come from this…..even this.
But today I am anxious. In two hours I will get in my car and travel to the hospital, where I’ll don that blue cape that opens in the front, and I’ll do exactly what they tell me, walk where they lead for tests in preparation for the surgeon’s knife. I’ll pray as I walk and wait, as others are praying for me, for a good outcome, for a simple, straight-forward removal of the cancer. For those words of comfort — “We got it all. That’s it. You can get on with your life.”
So today, as I’m anxious, and as only God could ordain, my devotional tells me this:
“The answer to anxiety is the adoration of Christ.”
Author Ann Voskamp quotes John Calvin and I am reminded that even in this, I can rejoice, I can adore, I can exalt Christ. I can thank Him for this trial, for the fear that has pulled me closer to Him and to those I love.
I trust Him for a right outcome, I really do. His “right” may not be mine, but I pledge to exalt Him in it, to give Him glory for healing, for the wisdom of doctors, for the faith of family and friends.
I can’t do much heavy lifting immediately after this surgery, but I can do a little dancing, a little lifting of hands in worship and praise. Were I a braver soul, I could be dancing down the hallways of the hospital in my silly blue cape, exalting and adoring Him who created me and has known me from the womb…….knows me even now.
At the very least, I can say “Thank you, God, for even this.”